.

This blog hasn’t really gone to plan, much like the majority of my life. It was supposed to be a LDR blog… major fail that was.

It’s over, completely over and not only have I lost my best friend but I’ve lost someone who I feel was my soul mate. She bailed on me. It’s probably been the worst Christmas of my life and I really don’t know how to handle any of this because every day that I wake up my heart just breaks and I really don’t want to deal with that pain any more, I can’t live with her and I can’t live without her. I’m growing tired of hearing the things she said on a constant loop in my head when I just want to sleep. Alcohol is fast becoming my new comfort and that’s a dangerous substitute for love. My university work is suffering. I’ve lost 8lbs over Christmas, aren’t we supposed to gain weight?! J has ruined me. But I’ve also ruined myself because I let her.

Yet I still love her, I’d still take her back because I’m actually scared of always being on my own…how f*cked up is that?

My question to readers is:

How do I stop thinking about somebody that had such a profound effect on my life?

And, why do I still love somebody who intentionally broke my heart?

unlovable?

11/6/14

It’s official, she’s said it, she doesn’t love me any more. 

So on a scale of 1 to 10,000 daggers in my heart how much does that hurt? 

Why does it hurt? Because even after she says that, I’m stuck completely in love with someone who doesn’t want to know me, damn..that’s pretty shitty. 

Will I stop loving her? Probably not for a while.

My last girlfriend cheated on me with a guy 10 years older than me, it went on for 5 whole months and I was none the wiser, in fact I only found out because I saw a text he’d sent her arranging to ‘meet up’ as soon as I left, nice. I like to say I left her in the end, but really, she was leaving me to go and be with him regardless (ooh burn!) 

She left me wondering why I wasn’t good enough, what was I lacking, how could she abuse my emotions like that, all the usual shit. After her, I threw up massive walls and told myself I’d never let myself be so vulnerable again.

But is it vulnerability, or just sheer fact of I’m only temporarily lovable? I’ve searched for ‘the one’ and I’ve thought yeah, this girl is ‘the one’ but the one for me? To this date in time, no. The one to break my heart and leave me feeling more vulnerable and untrusting of people than in the first place? Absolutely. 

4 relationships later and I’ve truly had enough. I’ve given my heart and soul and they’ve all walked out anyway, seemingly without a second thought for the damage they really leave behind. 

Oh, I can be a douche bag, of course… I’m not innocent. 

But I am 3 things:

Honest

Loyal 

Loving

Why is that never enough? Girls all say they want that, I give it every time and they all end up hating me. Yet, they’ll love the punk that doesn’t hold a door for them, or carry them in the house when they are drunk. 

Girls suck, love sucks. 

I’m officially unloved, I could die tomorrow and they wouldn’t care. A single, lonely, heartbroken man drifting in a sea of young lovers and ex girlfriends who always get the happy ending.

And that’s how it’s supposed to be isn’t it, the good guys never get a good break. 

Such is life. 

Song:
Passenger – Let Her Go

anti – anti-depressants.

Today was a better day, I mean mentally speaking I was kept somewhat busy what with a job interview (ugh) and all of my other things a.k.a desperate attempts to grab back a life.

I’ve not felt myself for the last couple of months, I’ve never been a particularly positive person anyway but these last few months everything negative has descended on me.

And recent events meant it was time I spoke with a doctor about my issues.

Anti-Depressants.. I’ve never liked the idea, growing up around adults that took them and never got off them again, withdrawal symptoms, dependency, never being able to feel happy without the aid of a drug. I fear that, I never wanted to be that person, like everybody else I know. 

It seems where I live and the social background I was raised in you are doomed from the start, there is no hope in my neighbourhood, no hope and ultimately a predictable lifestyle of alcohol, drugs & unemployment. 

I never wanted to be like that. 

It’s sad to say that growing up sometimes I wished that I wasn’t born into this family, I would sometimes feel I was better than this, that it wasn’t fair I should grow up in such tough circumstances and yet, some of my friends would have seemingly perfect households.

Thankfully I grew up with sudden realisation and indeed appreciation for what I do have.

Anyway, 

I didn’t want to start anti-depressants, the doctor today suggested I trial them to see how I feel on a relatively low dose of 10mg once a day. Part of me is a little worried as to what effect they will have on my personality, if I’ll even be able to feel sad when I need to, we all need to, otherwise I’m in danger of turning to stone, emotionless and uncaring. 

I’m not that person either, I’ve always seemed to care more about other people than myself.

I also can’t seem to accept that I got hurt so much that I now need to stabilise myself with pharmaceuticals.

I don’t want to accept that, that makes me weak, powerless, a declaration that yeah, I lost the fight.

 

I’m due to start the course of drugs in the morning, I’m honest, I’m nervous wondering what they’ll do to me. It’s also quite shameful to me that I have to take them. People may hate me, I may not be a person you love, a complete jerk. but will me taking a pill change that opinion? We’ll see.

Song: One Republic – Come Home

 

 

 

I wonder?

20140422_151326
Our cat ‘Gloomy’ looking particularly gloomy lol.

I’m laying here unable to sleep, my arm is hurting but healing, boy did I learn my lesson with that one. 

I went to buy some new clothes and a backpack (pens and notebooks) today since I’ll be starting university on Monday. It’s a pretty strange feeling, almost like my ‘first day at high school’ 13 years ago, the nerves are building and I’m already imagining scenarios that’ll probably never happen.

Messenger_5864780862368767407_13982727199473198 
^^^
The bag I got,apparently all the cool uni kids are rocking these badboys.
Update: I may be clinging to my youth, may switch for a more grown up bag ha ha.

I got through today okay, it started slow but gradually as I got busier it bizarrely got easier in my mind, I like it when my mind is kept busy, less time to worry about personal matters.

It’s these times I don’t like, the late nights. 

Everything has slowed down again and I’m starting to think and wonder, I wonder what the doctor will say tomorrow, I wonder where I’ll be this time next year, how do microwaves work, I wonder how she’s feeling..

A crazy rat race of thoughts that probably don’t even matter. 

Why do I still carry her photo in my wallet? I sat on the bus today just staring at her picture in my wallet. It wasn’t until I took it out of the little pocket that I saw what was written on the reverse ‘I’ll always be your best friend, that’ll never change’ – and in a sense, that is very true, I still consider her my best friend.

Why do I still check Facebook even though I blocked HER? I didn’t want to block her, it was for security, if I didn’t block her, she’d have blocked me, and I’ll have to live with never being able to see her again. 

That may seem a bit sly, but when you love somebody that much, you will go to any length to still know them. 

I think I’m allowed to speak to her on my first day at uni, I say think, I’m not even sure. 

It feels like forever since I spoke to her, and these nights are the worst because, this is when we made the most memories.

She surprise called me, twice. the first time I’d properly heard her voice in weeks, it almost certainly brought me to tears, by the second call 10 minutes later, I think she could tell I’d cried once she hung up. 

That’s all it is now though, memories, and at this exact time I’m just laying here making any excuse to stay up and ‘wait’ even though I know nobodies coming. I’m also wondering what I can do to salvage anything, not a relationship so to speak, to simply get her to think of me as a friend will be a challenge, if I’m even capable.

I never thought I’d be alone again, she was home to me that I didn’t appreciate enough.

My actions went unjust for far too long, I pushed, I pushed and I pushed, until eventually my luck ran out. 

I wonder a lot, most of all I wonder if she is thinking about me too, then I have to slap myself, probably not.

p.s I wonder how many people on top of each other it would take to get to the moon? 

 

Weight Gain

The title may be misleading, it’s not gonna be a post where I complain about me gaining too much weight, it’s a post where I’m gonna be asking HOW to gain weight. 

I’ve always been slim, and anybody who has always been slim knows just how hard it is to gain weight, in fact, probably equally as hard as losing it. 

Being a male and skinny isn’t the acceptable social norm, I’ve always wanted to be ‘one of the bigger guys’ in terms of my build. Skinny is not masculine enough to me, I’ve always wanted to be an ‘average’ weight, I currently stand at 6’0 and 154lbs. 

(Recently lost 5lbs due to stress etc)

I’ve tried to gain by just eating lots and lots, but it doesn’t seem to touch me at all. Though I believe genetics may play a part since there isn’t really anybody obese in my immediate family.

Does anybody have any tips, specific foods to eat, meal plans or etcetera? I have muscle, I’d just like my arms and legs to be bigger.

Thanks guys. 

Tony

 

 

Healing Times

Think back to your teenage years, probably pretty ordinary, mood-swings, acne, first time experiences with sex & alcohol, all part of the coming of age.

 

So what about if you were diagnosed with terminal bowel cancer at the age of 15? 

I’m not sure about you, but personally speaking I’m not sure I’d be able to carry on with a positive attitude, I’d be too busy focusing on my looming death and feeling sorry for myself.

Meet Stephen Sutton, a 19 year old Staffordshire UK teenager that had to face that very horror. It’s unfair, no? Of course it’s unfair but Stephen is a very different kind of individual, not only has he had to deal with terminal bowel cancer, he has converted the majority of his negative feelings into something worthwhile. Stephen has been raising money for a teenage cancer charity everyday since, working tirelessly even at the lowest points of his illness through social media and various fundraising events during the last few years.

It’s wonderful to see such dedication from somebody who, although will not beat this vile disease himself, is fighting to give those a chance of survival in the future. 

A completely selfless act, right in the face of adversity. 

What makes this ongoing story so fantastic is that Stephen has now gone viral, he had the wish of raising £1 million pounds before his untimely death, and after tweeting a picture saying ‘a last thumbs up from me’  he managed to touch peoples hearts and raised his target amount! Stephen feels he can’t fight any longer, which is unfortunate, this earth is losing a truly inspirational individual. 

A popular UK comedian, Jason Manford, has been following Stephens story, and donated quite a generous amount to help Steven see his dream come true. 

Encouraging yet more donations and a new target of £2 million pounds before Steven passes, which unfortunately could be any time now.

Manford said of Steven: “he is not bitter that he has to leave the party early, he is just happy to have been invited” 

A very moving and inspiring way of thinking. 

Stephen had other things on his bucket list, many of them he managed to achieve, such as playing the drums in front of 90,000 people, hugging an elephant and getting a tattoo.

Right now Stephen is laying in a hospital bed waiting to die, not scared, but prepared. 

He has left a legacy, do we all have half as much courage as he does? 

It sure puts things into perspective, I was feeling sad today, missing somebody, not feeling too happy, but then I happened upon Stephen, and realised things could be so much worse, and yet this dying teenager has a much more positive attitude than I do.

My, and indeed most of us, our lives are trivial in comparison, we simply do not appreciate what we do have until its gone, that’s the sad side of life.

Steven inspired my day, made me question a few things, but most of all, he restored my faith in humanity.

He is a real hero, doing more for us on this earth in 4 years than most of us could do in a full life time.

And I can only hope he is rewarded on the other side.

Thanks for reading, 

If you’re in the UK you can Text STEPHEN TO 70500 to donate £5 or to justgiving.com/Stephen-Sutton. 

https://www.justgiving.com/Stephen-Sutton-TCT

http://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/apr/23/terminally-ill-stephen-sutton-1m-charity-bucket-list 

http://m.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-stoke-staffordshire-27122556

Easter break.

Easter has always been a fun time of year with my family. Of course, none of us are particularly religious, we, like most people these days don’t think for a second that it’s an actual Pagan holiday with a deep meaning. but who doesn’t love chocolate right!? 

As a child my 3 siblings and I would always look forward to the chocolate eggs (big ol’ Cadbury ones yum!) and of course the events that led up to the day it self, egg hunts, Easter themed nests, etc.

I fondly remember one year all of us kids waking up super early to see what eggs we got, only to discover a bag of melted chocolate and boxes! seems our Mother wasn’t quite the spark considering the place she chose to hide them all week; next to the boiler!!! lol.

…we couldn’t wait for Gran to visit with her gifts!

Once I’d hit about 13 however, Easter was no longer fun. “just another day” as I’m sure most people feel once they leave childhood. it’s a shame to grow up really, imagination always was the most fun thing in the world. 

Sixteen years old, fresh out of high school..I became an Uncle for the first time to a beautiful little girl! I was so pleased, it was my first real ‘adult’ duty as it were. I was so proud, being my sisters first born, I was always willing to learn and do all of the associated duties, night feeding, changing, teaching, and of course, playing! Easter was gonna be fun once again 🙂 

Years passed and one by one nieces & nephews were born, it was truly a blessing to see them all take their first steps and share in their lives, at times, I felt like their Father (sounds weird, woah!) but having no children of my own at the age of 24, not only was I teaching the kids, the kids were teaching me. 

Easter Sunday has just passed, and it took me right back to my childhood. Chelsea 9, Abbie 6 (my girls) and Connor 3 and of course my by now divorced Sister, all came over and we started with a little easter egg hunt! a total of 20 eggs all strategically hidden around the garden, the one with the most eggs, wins the stuffed bunny! I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to join in, but I hid them all so that would be silly.

Later on that evening I’d planned a small bonfire since it was an unusually warm day and a clear night to follow. As a kid my own father always used to do bonfires and we’d sit around it eating and joking around. 

You may wonder why I feel the need to do these things with kids that aren’t even my own, I feel bad that they should miss out on these things we all remember because their own father couldn’t make the right decisions by them, drug and alcohol issues, he isn’t exactly the greatest role model and hardly ever around.

I made the fire, put out a couple of lawn chairs ar a a safe distance (of course) and with a vigilant eye I sat them around that bonfire and told them a few stories about what myself and their Mum used to get up to at their age. They loved it, it soon turned into a Q and A. We had hot cross buns cooked over the fire, baked potatoes and marshmallows too! and before I knew it these little people had taken me right back 14 years and more.

Imagination, I really wish we didn’t lose that as we grew up.

Nothing would make me happier than to have my own little girl or dude.

Unfortunately I have not found the right girl yet to even consider having children with, I thought I had once but it turns out I wasn’t the right guy for her. but in the meantime, these little ones will continue making my life just that little bit happier, and teach me everything I need to know about being a good role model, in turn giving me the experience I need to be the best I can be when I can finally call myself a Father. 

Hope you all had as great an Easter with your little people as I did!